Archive for the 'What Would Lee Do?' Category

17 Guys that can fuck your girlfriend

Saturday, November 26th, 2005

JT over at Deadly Hippos wrote a killer article about the 17 Guys that can fuck your girlfriend and you can’t bitch about

Here is a quick excerpt

We’ve all been there. Whether you were watching a movie, a TV show, a sporting event, anything, and your girl hints at the fact that she thinks another man is good looking. You aren’t sure how to react to this “over-share” of information. Should you be mad? Should you just let it slide? What is a real man to do?

Well my friends, there are three different types of men in the world and they will react to this tidbit of knowledge in the following ways:

1.) Guy who gets pissed at his girl – This man is a control freak and can’t handle his woman not being submissive at all times. This slip of the tongue alone will cost his woman a rather significant beating, no telling what he’ll do if she actually cheats on him. The next day she will tell her coworkers that she slipped on the ice… they will know the truth.

2.) Guy who doesn’t care – This man is so laid back and easy going that his girl would have to be literally sleeping with his best friend in front of him, while repeatedly kicking his dog and calling his mama foul names in order to get a reaction out of him. Many girls can’t handle this type of man because they think he doesn’t care. In most cases he doesn’t. If he catches his girl cheating he will most likely just leave her and move on with little to no drama. Unless she is extraordinarily hot, in which case he will bang her one more time before moving on. (this is the category I fall in)

3.) Guy who gets pissed at the other dude – We’ve all heard the saying don’t hate the player hate the game. Well this guy hates both of them and will kick the shit out of them if they ever lay a hand on his girl! In fact don’t even look at his girl. Why are you staring at his girl from across the room? Because he will march right over and smack the hell out of you right in front of the minister. He doesn’t care if its his wedding. You better not look at his girl!

The problem with these guys is that there is a gaping loophole that they may not know about. There are a group of individuals out there who you cannot, under any circumstances, get mad at your girl for boning. In fact, you would be disappointed to learn that your girl had passed up a chance to bed one of these select few.

Weekly Moral Advisory – Plan for the Unplanned

Friday, May 6th, 2005

You have worked hard the last few weeks. Well my grasshopper….. We have mastered the 5 sounds, you have improved your career with the inter-office pre-marital inter-digitation rollout. You are now ready for the next level of advancement.

Before we take the next step it’s time for a short commercial break from our sponsors. Take a rest this weekend; reflect on what was and what could have been. Crack open a cold one and spend some time catching up on things that have been neglected. Watch some TV. Catch up on a few DVD’s. Sometimes the best weekends are the ones that are unplanned. If something happens to pop off then go for it but don’t go looking for it.

Let me pass on a story of inspiration. Have you ever had a weekend where you go looking for some action only to strike out? Well I had one of those. I got frustrated and called it a day and as I was driving home when I stopped for a bite to eat. There was a cute girl sitting there and I happen to start a conversation.

I had no intentions and figured maybe I will at least end the evening with some good conversation. I asked her what she gets into and she said “Everything”. I asked her if she was into anything tonight and got a quick “No, not yet” response. At that point I saw a window and I took it. I had nothing to loose so I just came out and did what any Naughty Empire fan would do. I looked at my “What would Lee Do” bracelet and turned to her and said, “Are you up for something a little different tonight? Because I got a new high end camera I am interested in trying out…lol” As we have learned from our teachings, I figured worse case scenario I had fun asking as she says no and tells me to go to hell.

Well, on the contrary. Apparently she likes taking photos lol. Someone must of told her she had model potential because she couldn’t wait to strike a pose. Next thing you know I am enjoying my burger and fries and she is gobbling up on desert. Fun was had, pics were taken and I got a great return on my $6 for dinner and my $7 for the camera. Oh yeah I forgot to mention, That great new camera I wanted to try was a disposable lolol. She got over that though because she shared her slice of paradise before we got to our destination so all was good. So for $13 I ended up having a great time.

So the moral of the story is this…. Sometimes you can get what you’re looking for without actually looking for it. So if it wiggles smack it, if it smiles, pinch it and if it invites you back to the crib for some high priced model portfolio photos with a cheap disposable camera then say sure…. What do you have to loose and more importantly “What would Lee Do?”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it while you marinate on my story of inspiration. We will catch up next week. I have some photos I need to go develop….. Peeaaccee Out!!!!

Inter Office Premarital Interdigitation

Monday, May 2nd, 2005

It has been a strong week for you my grasshopper! You are progressing down the path of enlightenment well. As you fine tune your inner 5 sounds we move on to phase two.. Strength in your career is Level 2. A wise man once told me “He who works hard should play hard”. Well we’ve been playing pretty hard so now it’s time to focus on the workplace.

Let your boss know that you have a revolutionary new concept that will raise productivity, boost moral and make you a shining star. Tell him you have invented a new model of employee track development. It’s called “inter-office-premarital-interdigitation” and it’s genius. Basically if you break it down to it’s most fundamental points what it states is that we should all bang our co-workers J These are the reasons why this is a good thing.

1) Next time someone needs to be told something and you’re not sure just how to word it…. Just say it! You have already done it! And there is nothing to hide. You have seen there “O” face! They have taken it right in the eye before!! This will increase efficiencies and open lines of communication in the workplace.

2) You will find yourself working harder because you want to get your shit done so you can go flirt with the person you’re either plugging or planning on plugging. Work will get done faster, you will work more hours and you will be more relaxed.

3) Nooner’s will become more commonplace. Setting the tone for a very open, relaxing second-half after lunch. This helps the day role along much better allowing you to focus on other things.

4) If you’re a real performer and you have been working the office, you might find yourself getting that raise and/or promotion you always wanted. This will build your confidence allowing you to try things at the office and make suggestions that could help the company in ways you would never have thought of doing before.

5) Last but not least….. It’s just plain fun to know that you’ve banged some of the people in your office. After a long hard day at work, you think briefly, chuckle and then go home.

There are more reasons why you should try these new concepts and spread the word. And don’t worry, you can always shoot me questions if things get tricky and you need some advice. I hope this will grow into a nice little feedback column where I can actually help point you people in the right directions.

And remember, you can make a difference! You can make this world a better place One office sex scandal at a time! When in doubt, hit me up and refer to your imaginary “What Would Lee Do” bracelet. It will show you the way……….. Peace out… It’s time for lunch and I am going to have a nooner with my co-worker while we discuss my project responsibilities

Weekly Moral Advisory – 5 Sounds

Friday, April 22nd, 2005

The sun is out and the view is beautiful this week. You’re feeling like an almond joy. Sometimes you feel like a nut sometimes you don’t. Well this week you should shake off the dust and feel like one. It’s a good time of year to give someone a candy bar.. maybe two. I want you to put yourself in a state of Zen by focusing on the top 5 sounds that make you feel good and then go out and experience at least 3 of the five this week. Think of it as a homework assignment. Below I will breakdown mine.

1. A women moaning “Aye papi” really loud
2. The idle of a nice straight pipe V8
3. The rev of a 10,000 rpm motorcycle
4. The sound of booming bass in a stereo
5. I women moaning “Don’t Stop, Don’t Stop”

It’s a work in progress but for now that’s my list. So here’s my plan. I will ride my motorcycle to my girlfriend’s house doing 100 at 10,000 rpm. We will do it in her car which happens to have a really nice idling V8 while I jam her stereo on like 11 on the volume knob. In between songs if I am lucky I will here “I papi” and “Don’t Stop” at least once each before I engage in what I like to call my “O” face which has been described similar to a diabetic seizure. I will then proceed to reflect on my homework assignment feeling proud that I will be giving myself an A, wondering if everyone else had the same kinda luck I plan on having.

And if all goes well, I will give her that almond joy while I am addressed as Mr. Goodbar. So if you know someone who could use a candy bar this is the week to treat.

Weekly Moral Advisory

Friday, April 15th, 2005

Like I said . . . every Friday my boy Lee will be kicking the tone of the weekend off with his moral advisories! Here is this weeks:

Well the weekend past and you survived. It wasn’t as eventful as you would have liked but you lived a little. This week brought much of the same drama you’re usually accustomed to. You need to shake things up a bit and get the planets re-aligned in your favor.

Everyone knows that one hottie that gives off the vibe that she has dirty potential but you just haven’t worked your game in that direction before. Well this is your week. Get in the mix a little, stop being the outsider and work it like a tip starving topless dancer.

Don’t worry about pushing the envelope. The lines are meant to be blurred this weekend and be positive!!!! If you hold her nose long enough she is bound to open her mouth to breath sooner or later and there is your window J Kick your game, say things you normally wouldn’t say and remember it’s better to ask for forgiveness then to seek out permission. If you get yelled at for smackin her ass, all good. 9 out of ten times you will get cursed out but that #10!!! Damn it man.. lol It’s worth the risk and in the process you had the opportunity of having 9 other asses that you touched to compare it too J

National statistics show that 1 out of every 50 women love to take it in the eye. 1 out of every 30 women will take it in the ass and 1 out of every 14 women will have sex on the first date with the proper amount of money and alcohol. Basic statistics would prove that your chances of encountering one of these fallen angels is pretty high. So get to the game and put your balls in the net. We will compare stories next week. And if you have none to share, you’re at a good website that will help you fill your sock…. L8R

Something new to the empire > Weekly Moral Advisories!

Friday, April 8th, 2005

So I have a friend in town here in Orlando that may just be the funniest motherfucker in the world. For a while he has been working as my “Moral Advisor” and let me tell you . . . the things you will do with a little taunting from the devil’s advocate!

So anyhow . . . I think it is time to break out my boy Lee’s pimpin philosophical ways on you. His words have coached me through some of the harder desicions in life like . . . go to church in the morning or continue working the blonde at the bar – or how about the moral inspiration to set the bar higher . . . and instead of just the one blonde, double down and see if she has a friend – or even better a sister!

I hope you guys get as much out of Lee’s words as I do . . .

Weather: Today Partly Cloudy With A Good Chance Of Rain… High’s in the 60’s with a fair amount of sun.

Just like the saying that a bad day at the beach is better then a good day at work, partly Cloudy with Showers On A Weekend is sooooo much better then working during the week. If you have any fires that you need put out, pee on them before the weekend. Keep your mind and your sched. open for anything new and fresh that may pop-off.

If your feeling guilty about anything don’t fret. Your Karma is in good standing with the man upstairs and your bound to get into something in the shade of grey this weekend. It’s all good whatever it is you will survive looking like the slut school girl that everyone thinks still has her cherry. And remember, it it feels good it can’t be all bad, and if it’s not all bad then it’s worth doing at least twice 🙂

Keep it live and keep it simple over the next few dayz. Have a good time and slide the ugly chick some love at the end of the day after you put on your beer goggles. She might be the meal ticket to your next big account 🙂

Stay Tuned For More……. I’m out for now. Can’t afford condoms and Lowes has a sale on landscaping gloves, and wire ties 🙂 I think I smell me a bargain………….